just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
