Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
