'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
