Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
