hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
