literally had 100 drinks last night.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
