i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
