I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize