I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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