Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
