Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
