My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
