If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
