Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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