I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just puked most of my soul out..
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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