I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I came so hard my ears popped.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
