She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
