I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
