Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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