cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
