He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
