So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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