Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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