ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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