I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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