two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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