the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
