I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
