flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
