Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
