I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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