My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
