So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
