the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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