bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found puke in my bra..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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