i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
