it wasn't lemon gatorade
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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