Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
