Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
