Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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