Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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