I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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