I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
