I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
