Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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