Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
