This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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