I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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