I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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