Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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