I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
