yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
