"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
