He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
