Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
