Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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