I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
