What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
