even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
