I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it was like eating out sand paper
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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