a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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