I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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