omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I did not marry a roomba.
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